Its thanksgiving, this is what today is. Dates and holidays seem to have lost meaning now. Anyway continuing on, after Megan I continued working for WR Meadows (warehouse) with my dad, I was only 20 but I was getting drunk every weekend because I shoplifted from a local Albertsons, then got messed up and spent my time at a japanese arcade by myself, this seemed like good times I guess. When I turned 21 I got into a relationship with a girl named Elizabeth, my first real girlfriend and my first love. She had short red hair, creamy white irish complexion, D cups, and a hourglass figure. She was actually more of a nerd than me if you can believe it, she was completely into renaissance fairs, pagans, medieval culture, and actually made paganism her religion, in addition to the usual nerd hobbies of anime and comic books, and fantasy novels. I loved her so much, and this part of my life is so difficult to write about.

From two points.
1. This was possibly the happiest time of my life, and when I'm happy I enjoy the moment, not analyze as much which means I don't remember EXACT details
2. This hurts and makes me uncomfortable.
But I'll write down what I can.

Yes I was happy, happier than I EVER had been. I was in love and it was my first real relationship, in which I went on dates, held hands, went through what young couples do. I used every single cheesy line and mushy phrase I ever wanted to use, it was my magical romance. I was connecting to someone, not being rejected. Feeling wanted, wanting back. Kissing, loving, touching, holding.
For the first time in my life I felt human.

She was still a virgin (probably still is for all I know) so she wanted to hold off on having sex. I damn sure was still a virgin and wanted to change that, but I held back, content to having multiple backseat make-outs, I was the first to see her breasts naked and suck on them, the first to ever undo her bra, the first to ever dry hump her, the first to ever hold her semi-naked while she sat straddled on my lap.

I saw movies with her, went to museums with her, met her mom and step-mom, met her blind father and his service dog Odysseus

Love...........

We dated for approximently 4 months, not long at all, but it felt like forever.

Cut to Halloween 29-31, 2003. She invited me and her friend to go to a Renaissance Faire and join with her group. I said yes, when we got there I had to meet some of the nerdiest people ever, including the one person that I have ever laser-beamed hate in my heart towards. His name was Zach, and he was the leader of his (mostly female) troupe of faire actors. He was the epitome of obnoxious, he was loud and corny, talked in a stupid accent, bossy, just everything I hate in people. And somehow all these women/girls were all over him. I was of course the newcomer, and a social retard so I just sort of hovered behind Liz, but amid all of this, I was so uncomfortable I had to fake sickness, so nobody would ask too many questions when I just stayed in our tent for pretty much the whole thing, listening to my headphones and crying (yeah I know.) I hated life more at that time than any other time, I was literally a curled up ball of hate, regressing into a primitive state in which all other emotional connections were severed to allow bad emotion more potency.

Even worse, I had to hear him and another member of his troupe (her name was Lorelei, fuck I even remember her name) have sex in the tent next to me, their primitive grunts and gasps a soundtrack to my animosity. I was once again faced with the rage, the resentment, this douchebag was having everything I wanted a small piece of in chunks, and I was this.....this monster. Spurned, shunned, rejected, ignored. Nothing in the world hurts so much.

I must have looked like a real freak, either locked away in my own little corner or stomping out and away from them. Liz looked completely overwhelmed, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown on the drive back. It was Halloween, and she said she wanted to back home to sleep, but I really think she wanted to get away from that psycho behavior I was displaying.
I spent Halloween alone, in my skeleton suit, drinking five 40oz of King Cobra beer and taking small shots of a Jack Daniels Whiskey bottle on a abandoned playground slide. I was trying to drown the pain, and I was really thinking the words "Drown it" as I took swigs. A mantra from hell.

Two weeks later, she would break with me, and I would be confronted with a reaper of a more ruthless sort, but I'll write about that later, this was almost too much for me.

Thanks for listening. I'm posting these lyrics by Stone Sours "Through Glass" because it reminds me and seems to soundtrack what I was going through.

'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But i forget.. you dont expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All i know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
Its just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

Im looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all i know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All i know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And its the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh the starrs
Ohhh oh the starrrrs that liieee